Running

Now I've done it. I have really really done it this time. My life as all who have known it is forever changed and I couldn't be happier.
I have started running.
Don't skoff. This is no small thing.
I am slowly becoming the person I have always wanted to be. And right now, as I look back over the past five years I have to step back and say "wow." This is just the beginning but it is beautiful.
In the past five years my husband and I have recommitted and decided to start a family. We have been blessed with Elena and Charlie.
I have quit smoking. A better way to put it, I have beaten smoking. For years it beat me and finally, after so many battles, I won the war.
I have stuck with breastfeeding. I had a difficult time with Elena and was fearing failure when I started with Charlie. For the first few weeks it was painful for me and the sleep deprivation was terrible. But making that commitment has payed off. Charlie and I are both thriving.
And finally, I know what I want to do when I grow up and I'm doing it. Sure, it's just part time and contract work now. But I'm gaining great experience while I'm able to be there for my family.
Now I have a new commitment, this one is just for me.
When I was three weeks post partum I was driving around town with the family and I saw a woman jogging. I don't know what was so different about her... why she caught my attention out of all the runners I've seen in my life. But when I saw her I thought, "I wanna do that." And it almost hurt me physically to suppress that desire to run. At three weeks post partum I had to wait.
Then, weeks passed. And I'm all out of reasons not to. So I went for a walk last week to get some fresh air. It was late and I had all the weight of the day on me. After walking briskly up a mid size hill I felt really good. And without much thought, more emotion than thought, I started running.
I'm alternating running and walking, building my stamina slowly. Each night that I run, I go a little farther.
This feels good to me. Years ago when I would start something, there was always that little voice in the back of my head "you won't really stick with it." But now, it's different. I didn't realize it at the time, that making a new commitment with my husband was going to be the beginning of so many life changing events in my life.
I was not raised with a full understanding of what it means to commit to something and so I had to fumble around for years. I did not know what I did not know.
But now suddenly I see. That one commitment, sticking with it, MEANING it, led to another successful commitment. And, by the grace of God, another and another. I'm not worried about keeping this commitment to myself because I have made the commitment. And even if I don't continue running, I will continue doing something for my physical well-being.
At first I said that I couldn't be happier. Well everyone could always be happier. It's more accurate to say that I'm satisfied.